


Failure Upon Failure

by sunhawk (sunhawkflamesprite)



Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, M/M, Pre-Slash, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-02-13
Updated: 2007-02-13
Packaged: 2017-10-20 07:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/210019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunhawkflamesprite/pseuds/sunhawk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan unwillingly returns to his least favourite place for the sake of another.  Spoilers for "Man Down"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Failure Upon Failure

**Author's Note:**

> Not a great summary but If I say anymore I will definitely spoil the episode LOL And after seeing "Man Down" I had to write something, so think of this as an odd sort of therapy for hopefully temporary fan anxiety. Beta'ed just by me so feel free to point out any mistakes/errors :)

Ryan stood with his back pressed hard against the hospital room wall, trying to move in Eric's direction and having no success at all. Alexx had made it look so easy, sitting by Eric's blanket-covered hip like it was as natural as breathing.

There wasn't anything stopping him. There was even a chair halfway between the wall his spine was hugging and Eric's prone form, surely he could make it that far? But the sounds of machinery kept him trapped by the doorway; the incessant beeping and slow gasps of the ventilation machine that sounded eerily like someone's last breath. Ryan remembered those sounds from his brief, painful stay at the very same hospital months ago. He hated the high-pitched peals, they sounded like they were counting down the seconds of your life, mindlessly moving you just that much closer to the grave.

It had been hard for him, stuck in that soft bed and unable to escape the noises and smells that were so intrinsic to any hospital. But seeing Eric lying there on the bed instead was harder still. Not because Eric looked close to death; he actually looked remarkably flushed for a man who hadn't had a heartbeat two hours ago. Maybe it had been that syringe of adrenaline straight into his heart, forcing blood to rush and roar, that gave him such an illusion of health, made his bandages look a little odd covering his head and body.

No, what was wrong with Eric was more subtle than that; it was the way Eric's arms lay slack on the sheets, the way his head lay to one side, even the way he was breathing seemed muffled and faint. Nothing obviously wrong, nothing that Ryan could describe and expect to make sense. And if Ryan felt that way while Eric was sleeping, he dreaded what he would see once Eric was awake. Ryan knew that Eric waking up would be a good sign but he didn't want to be the one to do it. Keeping a hard grip on his elbow with his arm pressed to his side, his other forearm tight against his stomach, Ryan felt sick at the idea of looking into Eric's eyes and seeing something missing. Because Ryan was dead certain that something was missing, even if he wasn't sure what that missing thing was.

Hadn't Ryan lost something after he'd had a nail slammed into his skull? Hadn't he mentally groped after a feeling of certainty that he hadn't even really noticed until it was gone? Ryan had spent too many late nights relentlessly testing his motor skills, ruthlessly testing his memory with a now-battered set of cue cards, worried that the hole in his brow had let something important leak out. He should feel a kinship with Eric, empathy with what lay ahead and ready to share his personal experiences. But Ryan didn't want to do that because he simply didn't want Eric to have to go through any of it. Better to stay standing apart in uncertainty than to reach out and make the situation anymore real. It had been brutal enough coming back to the lab and having three different people ask if he'd heard that Eric was dead. Ryan had never felt so cut off at the knees before and barely remembered the drive to the hospital, only recalling the sensation of panic twisting itself into acute nausea.

Eric sighed in his sleep, shifting beneath the blankets in a way that told Ryan that he was trying to fight the sedatives again. The unfocused sound of Eric trying to clear his throat pushed unexpectedly at Ryan's emotional instability and he rubbed his nose and cheek with his hand in a pattern he must have repeated ten times by now. Each time he rubbed harder, trying to ignore the prickle of salt at the corners of his eyes, trying to swallow the wooden lump that lodged itself in his throat.

Ryan hated those burning sensations; he should be relieved that Eric had survived the shooting, not mourning something he couldn't even acknowledge. And maybe it wouldn't be like that, maybe Eric would be okay and his hair would grow right over the scar that would be his only souvenir of this harrowing event.

 _*Sure, and maybe this was all a dream and tomorrow's forecast called for showers of silver dollars over the beaches.*_

Smiling grimly at his own sarcastic inner voice, Ryan swallowed what might have been a chuckle so that it came out instead as a hiccuping wheeze and quietly fled the room. Calleigh was waiting outside and it wasn't fair of him to hog the small amount of time they had to visit Eric when all he was going to do was stare at him from afar. When he couldn't even work up the courage to act like the friend he was supposed to be.

Failure upon failure. Ryan hadn't been there to back H and Eric up, couldn't move past his own demons and he didn't have the guts to just move across the room, to touch Eric, to let him know he wasn't alone. Eric had once single-handedly rescued him and driven him across the city to the hospital and all Ryan could do in return was fail him, over and over again. Ryan stood in the hospital hallway, trying not to let himself start to shake and blind to everything around him. Even as the equally-pained gaze of his boss swept over him, Ryan remained lost in his own world of helpless regret, as they stood in silence and waited for Calleigh's return.

  
-fin-  
13.2.07


End file.
